A man tells his wife, to get her coat ,

as he's going to the pub.

Oh good, 'am I coming with you' she asks.

No,

he replies, I'm turning the heating orf !

Got a new pen .

It writes underwater ,

It can also write other words ,

15 years ago today ,

my mate John came running out shouting ,

'It's a boy' , 'It's a boy' .

with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

A kid in a cloths shop ,
put his hand up a Mannequins dress,
his mum tells him not to,
as there are teeth up there,
Years later when the kid has a girlfriend
they start kissing,
when the girl asks the boy,
if he wants to touch her privates,
he says no because there are teeth up there,
she says don't be silly
and shows him her privates,
after looking for a bit ,
he tells the girl no wonder you have no teeth, your gums are in a terrible state .

I've been feeling a little moody / grumpy,

and rundown lately.

So I looked up my symptoms...

It's adulthood,

I have adulthood .

What do you call a Blind deer ?

No eye Deer ,

What do you call a Deer that's Blind ,

with no legs ?

Still no eye Deer .

What do you call a Deer that's blind ,

with no legs & no Dick ?

Still no fucking eye Deer .

I don't throw perfectly good food away .

I put it in Tupperware box ,

till it goes bad .

then I throw it away.

Good tip for this time of year ...

If your house is cold,

just stand in a corner.

It’s always 90 degrees there ,

Go upstairs - it will probably be higher .

I gave my handyman a to-do list,

but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

The lollipop lady helped me clear snow

off the car this morning ,

The collision did shake a fair bit off .

I take my morning coffee ,

like an American cop ...

Black , with a couple of shots in it.

Down the pub last night -
I nearly had the Trivia Competition
done & dusted ,
till the very last question...
which apparently was wrong.
The question was,
"Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was
in the West Indies .