Sledgie's profile

not mine but funny ...
In 1986, John was on Safari in Kenya .
On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife. Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.
The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments. John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.
Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing. The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

PM Starmer is proving his worth at number 10 ,
He put the Christmas tree up himself ,
Kinky Bugger ,
And he didn't need the help of 3 Ukrainian
rent boys , this time .

Operation Yewtree has started up again ...
looking into historic crimes of Dame Thatcher ,
Apparently she fu€ked a lot of Minors in the 80's

It's that time of year ,

When someone has to go down to the cellar ,

To Defrost Mariah Carey .

Be careful thou , she's a bit cranky ,

Till she gets a basket full of puppies ,

Have a good Christmas folks -

I'm off to stuff the Turkey with my special Mayo .

The BBC would make a really good secret agent ...

No matter how they are interrogated ,

you will never get the truth out of them .

If a mime gets arrested,
do they tell him
he has the right to remain silent ???

What was the best thing before sliced bread ???

Do infants enjoy infancy
as much as adults enjoy adultery ???

How is it possible to have a civil war ???

If one synchronised swimmer drowns,
do they all drown, too ???

If you try to fail, and succeed,
which have you done ???

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it ???

Why is it called tourist season ...
if we can't shoot at them ???

Why is there an expiration date ...
on sour cream ???

Can an atheist get insurance ...
against an act of God ???

A Teacher was Teaching Religion .
so he asked his class,
" Where is Jesus today ???"
Steven raised his hand and said
" He's in heaven. "
Mary was called on and answered,
" He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously,
blurted out,
"I know, I know,! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet,
& looked at teacher for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for words.
He finally asked little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said,
" Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door,
and yells
" Jesus Christ, are you still in there !!!"

Random ...

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs ,
are probably not happy.

I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly most of them don't work.

What do you do when hot pants catch on fire?
Put them out with a pantie-hose.

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape .

I was speaking to a honest politician ,
now that is a joke .

More of a Christmas tip , than a joke ...

Wrap empty toy boxes, for under the tree.
If the kids act up before x-mas,
throw one in the fireplace.
This works quite quickly .

Regrets

Son: "Dad, do you have any regrets in life?"

Dad: "Yeah, I regret I never listened to your mother."

Son: "What did she try to tell you?"

Dad: "I've no idea."

Told the boss ,
that three companies were after me ,
After the usual chat, He asked which ones,
I said,
Gas,
Electric,
and Water.

I've just joined a band called 99 megabytes...

We haven't gotten a gig yet.

A ship passes by a remote island ,
& all the passengers see a bearded man
running around waving his arms widely.
"Captain," one of the passengers ask's,
"who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea", the Captain says,
"but he goes nuts every year , when we pass him."

I give up ...

The Police were appealing for details
of a Racist attacker ,
I've sent them 3 CV's ,
And still haven't even offered
me a job interview .

Just heard ,

Trumpy is doing a deal on Dictators -

same day delivery ...

Hoping to get a Starmer as a garden ornament ,

something for the dog to piss up .

A lot of people don't know this ...

Renee Good had Blue eye's -

One blew one way ,

One blew the other .

A man tells his wife, to get her coat ,

as he's going to the pub.

Oh good, 'am I coming with you' she asks.

No,

he replies, I'm turning the heating orf !

Got a new pen .

It writes underwater ,

It can also write other words ,

15 years ago today ,

my mate John came running out shouting ,

'It's a boy' , 'It's a boy' .

with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

A kid in a cloths shop ,
put his hand up a Mannequins dress,
his mum tells him not to,
as there are teeth up there,
Years later when the kid has a girlfriend
they start kissing,
when the girl asks the boy,
if he wants to touch her privates,
he says no because there are teeth up there,
she says don't be silly
and shows him her privates,
after looking for a bit ,
he tells the girl no wonder you have no teeth, your gums are in a terrible state .

The lollipop lady helped me clear snow

off the car this morning ,

The collision did shake a fair bit off .

I've been feeling a little moody / grumpy,

and rundown lately.

So I looked up my symptoms...

It's adulthood,

I have adulthood .

What do you call a Blind deer ?

No eye Deer ,

What do you call a Deer that's Blind ,

with no legs ?

Still no eye Deer .

What do you call a Deer that's blind ,

with no legs & no Dick ?

Still no fucking eye Deer .

Good tip for this time of year ...

If your house is cold,

just stand in a corner.

It’s always 90 degrees there ,

Go upstairs - it will probably be higher .

I gave my handyman a to-do list,

but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

I take my morning coffee ,

like an American cop ...

Black , with a couple of shots in it.

Down the pub last night -
I nearly had the Trivia Competition
done & dusted ,
till the very last question...
which apparently was wrong.
The question was,
"Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was
in the West Indies .

If I knew I was going to be this thirsty today...

Id've drunk more last night .

DAM ...

It's so cold outside ,

Starmer has his hands ,

in his own pockets .

I don't throw perfectly good food away .

I put it in Tupperware box ,

till it goes bad .

then I throw it away.

An atheist was enjoying a swim in Loch Ness ,
Suddenly Nessie appeared & attacked him .
"GOD HELP ME" he cried ,
Suddenly, the monster and everything around it just froze.
A voice Boomed from the heavens
"You don't believe in me,
but you're asking for my help?"
The atheist peered up and said,
"Well Sir, ten seconds ago ,
I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either.

Liberals call me a Racist ,

Its so not true ...

Some of my best victims are Black .

Bill Gates's Russian hookers ,

claimed they didn't know him ,

Then someone mentioned micro & soft ,

& they vaguely remembered ,

but it was definite ,

when they were shown a 3 1/4 inch floppy.

The Epstein files show Prince Andrew

"on all fours"

always knew he liked em young .

So ...

Windows has got bugs

Bill Gates got the clap

Epstine got the cure

Now his wife got the hump

what a nice bunch

I got really bored at the weekend

so I opened a box of Celebrations

and swapped all the wrappers around.

The missus wasn't very happy,

she got her Snickers in a Twix!

Did you hear about the mathematician

who was afraid of negative numbers ???

He would stop at nothing to avoid them .

My mate needs a job.

I told him he should apply

for The Search And Rescue Team.

They're always looking for someone.

I wish some people wouldn't talk down

about the Australians ,

Some of their ancestors

were picked by our finest judges ;o)

'Hows America at the moment under Trump ???'

' Pretti Good '

You can tell its winter ,

ICE everywhere .

For those Christians who boast -

'Jesus fed the Five thousand'

Should remember Hitlers effort's

He made six million Jews Toast .

I took one of those sex questionnaire's earlier,

It took a while,

but in the end,

I was surprised to learn ...

I was being released without charge.