How do you stop a baby from spitting?



Turn the grill down

What's green and melts in your mouth?
A lepers cock

What's black, triangular and sings?
Kate's Bush

“I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places...

He said, ‘Well… stop going to those places.’”

not mine but funny ...
In 1986, John was on Safari in Kenya .
On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife. Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.
The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments. John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.
Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing. The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

Isn't the phrase 'Good Golly' an oxymoron?

Michael Jackson dangled a baby off a balcony...

But at least he didn't toss him off.

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says, "why the long face?"
The horse says, "I've got Aids"

Fuck

"Do you have any change for a cup of tea?"

"Yeah, try Coffee..."

More of a Christmas tip , than a joke ...

Wrap empty toy boxes, for under the tree.
If the kids act up before x-mas,
throw one in the fireplace.
This works quite quickly .

A ship passes by a remote island ,
& all the passengers see a bearded man
running around waving his arms widely.
"Captain," one of the passengers ask's,
"who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea", the Captain says,
"but he goes nuts every year , when we pass him."